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23 December 2005 @ 10:46 pm
New energy drink for teh masses!  

With great anticipation for what's sure to be the next craze, the makers of Bawls Energy Drinks comes this new and totally different energy drink for a new, untapped market. BlendSpotting was luck enough to sit down and read an email possibly typed by Corporate Moneymaker and P.R. Fiend, Jeff Rosely.

"Thank you, but an interview will not be possible at this time. I will talk a little about what our new product, Lawls, is and maybe a little about it's design.

For the hardcore internet users out there, daily life consists of surfing along the highways chock-full of information and memes and porn memes. They post in forums and whine about drycleaning and paying rent and maybe even family problems. We realized long ago that people get thirsty while complaining and harassing others and like to drink things while they are online. Unfortunely, they are afraid of spilling drinks on their equiptment and are forced to get up and drink something elsewhere. BUT! What if "something" could be drunk NEAR a computer with no problems or worries??

We were 100% up to the challenge and created (and patented!) a special cardiohydroxilate enzyme-compound beveragoid that WILL NOT damage or impare a computer board, key board, or even mother board in the unfortunate "spill". Having safely tested Lawls on l33t and non-l33t, or "unleet", electronics, we feel the market has waited long enough for such a quiality drink.

At first, the flavor was really hard to nail down. Something... sugary enough to hide the septimonic polyphoshate aftertaste early batches had. Then we decided that adding fruit juices, while healthy and low on carbs, was preobably out of the question until that damned monkey in the warehouse has been captured. Initial taste-testing was done in Canada, by well over 400 internet-addicted felons in the fine Forstone County Correctional Institution. The side-effects were studied and slowly hammered out of the system. Long-term results are currently classified, but in a good way!


A few weeks ago, we nailed down the name and purchased the website. The first ads will go up in PCInternetter, The Gamer's Quarterly, Hardcore Forums Digest Monthly, Yahoo Internet Life and CatFancy starting with the February issues. The actual retail product will be shipped to the 45 continental states that have no "laws" preventing our fine product to be sold and/or ingested. We are expecting good things, and feel our valued customers have no real option in the matter.

Thank you."

Consider us warned! The price will be about $2.45 a bottle, but each one will have 4 free iTunes downloads writen in front 3 on the cap. The flavors will be "Blue", "Sky Water", "Aqua", and "BeefJurky".
apmapm on December 24th, 2005 02:44 pm (UTC)
Canada doesn't have counties! This story seems almost factually questionable, somehow!
DonMarcodonmarco on December 24th, 2005 09:37 pm (UTC)


Very well!!